Not Today
by mangageek23
Summary: Midoriya was tired, unresolved childhood trauma and stress from being a hero in training was getting to him. Being in the same class as one of the people who caused said trauma is even more difficult. He was tired and ready to burst. Midoriya stares down his own anxieties, his bitterness, and resentment and says Not Today.
1. Not Today Satan, Not Today

_Midoriya was tired, unresolved childhood trauma and stress from being a hero in training was getting to him. Being in the same class as one of the people who caused said trauma is even more difficult._

 _He was tired and ready to burst._

 _Midoriya stares down his own anxieties, his bitterness,_ and _resentment and says Not Today._

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 **I originally titled this piece Tired and then as I wrote more chapters I grew to like the title _"Not Today"_ because Deku is done with everybody shit and he's not going to handle it, not today.**

 **This started out as a bit of crack, with some angst and then slowly as I wrote it, I was like this is going to be a lot more angst & again, at first I was like, this is going to be really out of character but then as I wrote it turned less comedic and a lot more introspective and a bit more _in_ character.**

 **I mean, midoriya will probably still be a little out of character especially with his sassy moments but I want to keep some of the light comedic air I had originally aspired for here and there and hopefully, you'll see some of that but this is also angst to the extreme 3000 and I'm so sorry.**

 **I love my cinnamon roll child but he's been through some shit and here we are.**

 **During dorms, before their fateful fight. Regular classes for a while.**

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He was tired of always having to suck it in. He was tired of the awful words spewed in his direction. Of reaching a handout and getting spit in the face, he was tired of pent-up feelings and resentment from unresolved issues. He was tired and was ready to let go.

He was tired, that even now things were somewhat better he _never_ got an apology for the shut he went through. He was tired of it all and was not going to deal with it.

He was a new Deku and wouldn't take his abuse he wouldn't recede from fights, he'd face them head on and let what may come, come.

 **~.~**

Midoriya could say with complete and total certainty he was tired.

First the events of the training trip, the kidnapping and subsequent rescuing of Bakugou, it almost felt like too much just to go back to classes like normal.

Except things weren't normal, his body was still healing, the students had moved into dorms and All Might had retired.

Midoriya was tired.

The most frustrating, or not even the most frustrating thing, it was more the unresolved emotions and feelings between Bakugou and himself.

He had tried his best to be understanding to be polite and at least genial towards him, but to not even get a thank you for their efforts felt like a slap in the face. Of course, he didn't do it for the thanks, he never did it for the thanks. But it just brought up all the other feelings along with not being thanked.

Once again all his efforts of being friends or at least on tolerable terms were wasted, he was tired of being the one to extend the olive branch. He was tired of always having to just accept his abuse. He was tired of being looked down upon and just frankly not willing to put up with it anymore. He wasn't joking when he had told Bakugou almost so long ago that he would no longer be "Deku the punching bag"

 **~.~**

" _Not today Satan, not today"_

Taking a seat in class, he took a moment to adjust, his joints and bones were healing nicely but he was dealing with a lot of aches, first night in dorms added to the achyness, as he wasn't able to go to sleep right away.

He leaned against his desk, wanting nothing more to go back to bed. The hum of chatter in the classroom was familiar and made things a bit more bearable.

The classroom hushed as Aizawa slammed the door open.

Midoriya reluctantly sat back up and prepared himself for whatever the day may bring him.

As Aizawa got to talking about the lesson and group project pairs up to show cooperative teamwork before they went back to training since they never did actually get to finish it either.

Midoriya frowned, at the news, the class as a whole had pretty decent teamwork, or so he thought, but it was true they tended to pair up in the same groups, so perhaps this particular activity would be to work with those they hadn't yet a chance to team with before.

Midoriya's suspicions were confirmed as Aizawa brought up that he would be assigning the pairs himself.

As he went down the list, a knot grew in Midoriya's stomach.

When his name was finally called, along with Bakugou's right after, his mind went blank.

Before Bakugou could even think about shouting out his complaints, Midoriya calmly but quickly swept his stuff together and got up to leave.

The class immediately went into utter silence, confused by Izuku's actions. Aizawa quickly broke first, in a stern voice, called out "Midoriya where do you think you're going in the middle of class?"

Without skipping a beat, he turned and smiled, something that raised the hairs on his classmate's necks. "Sensei, I'd rather flunk the assignment then work with Bakugou again." and promptly heel turned left the classroom and closed the door with a resounding snap.

For a few more moments the class was silent, they could hear Aizawa muttering to himself, "I don't get paid enough for this shit..."

Followed by Bakugou's explosion they were waiting for,

" _WHO'D WANT TO WORK WITH YOU EITHER SHITSTAIN!?"_

Midoriya could hear the expletives as he walked away but he didn't stop once, didn't look back and headed straight back to the dorms.

He knew he shouldn't have left his bed that morning...

"Not today..." he thought, " _...not today..."_

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I haven't written and posted for a new fandom in forever, please be gentle ;v; I've also now got an ao3, so finally I can format how I like, for ease, I'll probably continue updates there first then here. thanks for reading!


	2. Be Nice

Midoriya tried to be nice.

Nice was doing something without expectation of anything in return. Being nice was turning the other cheek, not because one was weak, but because they were strong enough to ignore it, accept it, and let go.

Midoriya tried to be nice.

He said his please and thank yous, something he learned and practiced early on. When his mother was sad from his father always being away, he tried to be strong for her. He didn't want to burden her any more than she was, it was the nice thing to do, right?

He didn't tell on the boys in his class who were more than a little rough in play, didn't get upset and throw a tantrum when no one showed up to his seventh birthday.

He ate cake with his mother and tried not to make a big deal because it was better with just her right?

Maybe all the things he had done, had nothing to do with being nice, a fact he was slowly realizing. He had thought nice went hand in hand with acceptance, and that just accepting how things were would be things easier in the long run.

No matter whatever he went through, he tried being nice, that was the right thing to do wasn't it?

If someone needed a pencil, if they needed to borrow some money or the answers off of his homework, that was being nice wasn't it? He was helping out his fellow classmate without expecting anything in return. He had been told when he was younger that he was being taken advantage of, but he didn't quite get it.

Not then at least, he was needed as long as he was helpful right? That was considered " _helping_ " right?

His idea of what was nice was skewed. His current classmates were actually nice. He learned or more realized that when he did something to help his classmates, they wanted to help him as well in turn. Kindness wasn't supposed to be solely one-sided, being kind was helping and receiving help in turn.

He learned that being nice also means knowing when and how to say no to things. That kindness can be taken for granted, but it was always better to first extend a hand before extending a fist. That being nice wasn't just being kind to others, but being kind to yourself. That sometimes you do need to take into account your own needs in order to be better able to help others.

That being kind and acceptance or tolerance of abuse weren't so black and white, that one must and should be kind but firm. Open and accepting, willing to change but also willing to stand up for yourself and what you believed in and willing to point out not just your own wrongdoings but others as well.

But honestly, maybe none of that was quite right either, Kindness, Acceptance, they were words with simple meanings but when human emotions and thoughts came into play it became harder and harder to categorize what exactly being nice and courteous was.

Midoriya tried to be nice.

He wasn't perfect, something of which many a person had pointed out in many shapes and forms. He held darker thoughts like resentment, regrets, bitterness, and anxieties of the future and present.

Sometimes his current classmates would compliment his driving force, his endless optimism, and cheerfulness. And he would feel such a gut eating guilt, he was a liar.

He wasn't as optimistic about what his future laid before him, of his potential promise. He acted cheerful because honestly, things were so much better, he was so scared, scared if he showed even a bit of his darker thoughts he'd lose them. At his lowest points he wondered if he'd be missed, if he left the world would he have contributed anything?

Sometimes thought like that could be motivating, and he'd tell himself "I will become someone who contributes to society to make a better place!"

And other times he thought of the classmates from his past, he thought of all the great students of his presence and thought maybe the world would be better off if he was gone.

And to be fair, his optimism and cheerfulness weren't a complete lie, the people in his class were ones he could call friends and the reciprocated it.

The situation with Bakugou though,...was always something they danced around. He didn't want to bring them into the messy past that they had.

But it was hard to say he was over it, he had scars not just on his body but on his mind and brain and every day felt like it was getting harder to keep in.

Midoriya tried to be nice. He tried repressing the darker thoughts, the bitter, self-deprecating moments because he didn't want to bother or dump all the negative energy onto his new found friends.

Midoriya tried to be nice, but really, Midoriya was tired.

The lid that he screwed on tight to keep his emotions bottled in and locked up, loosened day by day, inch by inch.

What these held for 1-A would shake the foundation they had built for themselves, but could also be the start down the road to true Recovery.

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 **ahhh gosh I hope you guys like? tell me what you think! hope this chapter made sense!**


	3. Anxiety

When Midoriya finally got back to his room in the dorms, he tried not to think about what he had just done, that he had walked out of the classroom like no big deal. But no matter how he tried, his head couldn't stop screaming, "

I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST WALKED OUT OF THE CLASSROOM LIKE NO BIG DEAL!"

"Oh man..."

He was certainly going to be hearing more than an earful from Aizawa later, and if All Might found out...he shuddered at the thought. Not only would he receive a lecture from as well, it'd be accompanied by the disappointed parent stare. He hated that look...

Midoriya's stomach began to twist up in knots, he flopped down onto his bed and curled up. Pulling his phone from his pocket, he knew before he even turned it on he at least have a few messages from Uraraka and Iidya, taking a breath he braced himself and opened up his messenger.

He was surprised to find not just messages from Uraraka and Iidya but also Tokoyami, Yaoyorozu, Kirishima and even Todoroki.

He felt guilt clawing up his throat making it hard to breathe. He closed his eyes and put his phone down to try to focus on just breathing.

He knew that his friends were likely worried not mad at him but anxiety sized his heart and it all felt like too much.

Tears of frustration leaked out before he could help it, he couldn't stop berating himself in his head, "...so pathetic..."

He was supposed to be better, do better. Storming out of class because he didn't want to work with someone was not a good sign of being a good hero.

Absentmindedly as he ran his fingers over the scars on his hands, counting in his head forward and backward too hundred as he tried to get his breathing regular again.

He couldn't focus on anything or else the panic would resurface, so he thought of nothing but counting trying his best to clear his mind.

Went he felt like he could breathe again, look at the messages without panicking, he slowly relaxed his muscles, releasing the tension that kept him stiff and sat up.

Rubbing his eyes, he picked up his phone again.

2 missed calls and 20 texts.

He could do this.

Taking a breath, he opened Uraraka's messages first, The first couple from her were concern over his well being, the rest told him what he missed in class and the latest asking him to message her back.

But what do you say to your friends?

I'm sorry but my body reacted on its own and I auto-piloted the heck out of there?" or, "Both my mind and body went "NOPE" when I heard I'd been paired with kaachan?"

Sighing, he didn't want to leave her own read either though. So he typed and retyped until finally, he sent a simple and short, "I'm sorry".

He wasn't sure if she'd understand his intent or be happy with it, but it was all he could think of.

Going down the list, he checked Iidya's messages next. Iidya's messages which were normally paragraphs long were mostly short put together concern and worry.

 **"While I can't condone leaving in the middle of a class, I understand you never take action without reason. As class president and your friend, I am here to help and listen to any concerns you may have..."**

Tokoyami and Yaoyorozu's messages were in the same vein, Tokoyami's short and Yaoyorozu going on quite like Iidya-kun did, "...no wonder the two got along well..."

Tokoyami sending **"Midoriya-san, I am well acquainted with the darkness of the mind and am here to talk if need be..."**

Yaoyorozu's said, **"Aizawa Sensei let us out for the day not too long after you left for us to work on our projects. I asked about if there were alternative options for work in your stead and he said not to worry about it, I think he wants to talk to you about it himself. But not to worry! I am here if you need help with any work and don't mind listening!"**

Kirishima's message made him want to laugh and cry, it was reassuring and made the guilt come back to the forefront of his mind. **"Bro! I don't know what was up with you leaving, but! That was so cool! You just left like a total boss! But, man forreal, if you need to talk, I'm here to listen. Real men talk about their feelings, nothing manlier than being there for each other!"**

Todoroki's was the shortest with a simple, **"..call me..".**

Unable to message them all back he checked his missed calls, 1 from Iidya and 1 from Uraraka like he thought...

They both had left a message but he couldn't bring himself to check those, it was hard enough to read their texts.

When he got out of bed this morning, out of all the ways the day could have gone, he did not expect it to go the way it had...

Essentially skipping class, making his friends worry then hiding out in his dorm room like a coward...what kind of hero was that?

As he hugged his pillow morosely, he thought,

"...well I mean, at least the league of villains didn't show up...but somehow facing a hoard of bad guys seems better than facing the consequences of skipping class..."

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hope you like! this is all i've got for now ;o; maybe if you guys like I can turn out some more quick!


	4. Resolve

**First off! Wow! Thank you for the incredibly positive response! Ahhhh q7q, I hope to continue with updates for a while! This fic won't be overly long, mostly exploring the lead up to their big fight I guess you could say. Also! It's been pointed out I misspelled Iida and I'm sorry about that! I think I read a translation with y, now my brain just keeps wanting to add it as I type orz;; but no worries! All future chapters should have the right spelling**

* * *

Midoriya new that moping in his room wouldn't help matters or the situation any better. But staring at the wall was better than screaming into oblivion.

Breaking his concentration game of 'let's watch the wall until the paint cracks', he took a peek out the window and was alarmed to see that the sun was already setting.

Grabbing his phone and noting the time, it was nearly five, just how long did he spend panicking, de-panicking and then panicking again?

If it was indeed as late as reality try to tell him it was, then everyone would be arriving back from classes relatively soon, for a minute it felt like his soul had left his body, how could he spend such a day completely unproductive? How could he face his friends, his classmates? How could the day not be over yet?

Whining would do no good but it sure made him feel better about the impending doom of the situation, a situation he had put himself into.

Any grumbling noises and out loud muttering was halted as he heard a distant commotion coming closer. It looked like everyone was arriving back, now.

And his heart began to hammer, he tried with all his might to calm his raging heart back down. There was no reason for alarm, no reason to panic, and yet,...and yet...

Taking a deep slow breath in and out, he unconsciously held it as he heard a crop of voices coming directly from behind his door.

He couldn't move, he _wanted_ to, but anxiety froze his movements, panic making his mind blank, how does one even begin to navigate this situation in the first place?

Midoriya fought an intense war within himself, over his immediate anxiety-ridden reaction and the part of him that ached for change. The part of him that wanted to release the shackles of the past and move forward.

He could discern who was on the other side of the door, though the words they said weren't clear enough to make out the conversation. Of course, it didn't take a genius to know it was about him...

His indecisiveness would be his downfall, he knew it. But when the eventful knock came, taking options from his hand, he realized he couldn't do it, not yet, not yet.

And it killed him, he wanted to be ready, to face them, they were no villains, they were comrades, acquaintances, friends.

But his mind, ever his enemy repeated, _"Not yet...not yet..not yet..."_

" **Deku**?" Uraraka's voice muffled, asked from the door.

"Deku, are you in there?"

...Why was it he could jump to defend and fight for his friends but facing them was so hard?

"Hey Deku, we know you don't really want to talk about things right now..." Uraraka continued undeterred, "But! Just know, we're here for you we know you do want to talk...remember that! Okay, Deku..?"

He could feel a wetness on his cheeks, he was crying again, why was he crying again, was he really so weak? Why did the door suddenly feel so far away from his bed, why couldn't he get up and throw the door open and face them?

"We'll let you rest now! Don't worry Deku-chan!" A few other voices of same sentiments in different variations to his door.

As they drifted, he stared at his hands, how could he become a hero to walk in the steps of All Might like this...

He had stopped crying, sniffing, rubbing at his face.

In that moment long after they were gone and the halls quieted, he decided he needed to face his problems head-on. Take things step by step.

He never really got the chance before, meeting All Might, training, entering Yuuei, everything happened so fast he never really got the chance to process it.

The only true break he got is when he literally broke his body into pieces. And even then, he didn't stop, things were truly coming to a head now.

He sighed, it was eventual that he would crash, he figured it was better to crash now then later when it was too late to deal with it.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to address these things, his fears, his anxieties step by step, and if he fell, his friends would catch him, right? ..Right.

 **~.~**

Dragging himself from his bed took considerably more energy than he would have thought.

Entering the small bathroom adjacent to his bedroom, he didn't even bother looking in the mirror as he began to wash his face. He knew looking in the mirror would start a catalyst of downward thoughts that would lead to a more self-deprecating and unproductive manner.

" _...the only thing I seem capable of doing.._ " he thought bitterly.

Slapping his cheeks, he tried his best to expel that thought as quick as it had come away from his head.

It was now certainly late enough that most people had gone to bed, and the night owls were at least in their rooms.

He hadn't really eaten anything all day, with the stress and anxiety, he didn't really feel up to eating either. But his arms and other joints were beginning to ache and be a pain, and he couldn't take anything without eating.

Of course, he had tried that before... It definitely alleviated the pain and inflammation but also made him feel sick as a dog and gave him a major migraine...

So, eating was the preferable choice. But though most had gone to bed, not all had certainly gone to bed.

It posed the question, how to get to the kitchens undetected?

Moving into action, lest his thoughts make him hesitate more, he opened his door and was surprised to hear a ruffled rattle.

Confused, he opened the door more to see a plastic bag hanging on the door, upon closer inspection he could see a few wrapped rolls and some other snacks.

He was ready to tear up all over again, but he wouldn't. He wouldn't shed anymore tears tonight... Or at least for now...

Grabbing the bag, he leaned back to his bed and dumped the contents over his comforter.

All most all of the snacks were his favorites, "You guys..." he uttered in awe to himself.

Finding a note that was half hidden, it read,

" **didn't see you at dinner, but that's okay! we all have days we can't bear interaction! but you still need to eat! the best heroes need energy to keep going! PLUS ULTRA!"**

Underneath the notes was a rather messy drawing of All Might, if he were honest, the drawing was awful but it made his heart swell to unknown amounts all the same.

Though the note had no signature, he recognized the handwriting immediately, the snacks seemed to be a more collaborative effort, but the note, only one friend could write him a note like such...

Peeling the plastic away from one of the rice rolls, he steeled his resolve further.

Every step of the way, his friends proved how great they were. They were not the kids from his middle school years. They were not the people to befriend him on a dare, to pity him, to disparage him or mock. No, they truly cared.

Would people go out of their way like this for someone they hated?

" _..No.._ " he thought, _"...But then why do I do the same for others?...no, it's different. Despite all my anger, I don't actually hate him...no, I don't like or really forgive what's been done to me, but.._."

He sighed, he would get nowhere with these thoughts.

It was hard to separate 'Quirkless, Loser, Friend-less Deku' with the person he had become once joining Yuuei.

Why was fighting baddies easier than fighting your own mind?

He didn't want to be trapped in his mind forever, he never wanted to involve his current classmates in the drama between himself and Bakugou. He thought he could just leave the past in the past, but it was never that easy, right?

But now as he thought of it, maybe, just maybe...speaking up, sharing his burden of the past would lessen the load. And he could finally face the future without looking back...

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 **I apologize for any grammar issues! I go through a 3-step process of review, one of which is using Grammarly, but sometimes, the program corrections don't fit what I'm trying to say, usually in those cases I rewrite the sentence until it fits both in terms of writing and grammatically. Often, I might miss a beat ;v; but I hope you enjoy this fic nonetheless!**

 **On another note! Sorry if the message I'm getting out is a bit repetitive. I often feel when battling anxiety and depression you go through a cycle of the same thoughts and reminders to every negative notion. So, I hope I wrote what I was trying to convey nicely! Ahaha, please review and thank you for reading!**


	5. Let's Talk

**Hey! Thank you again for the kind messages! I'm slowly trying to reply to all! ;v;/ This fic was going to be much shorter in terms of chapters, but ah, it's taking me longer to get them out and I apologize! Your kudos and comments send a fire through me, hopefully, this chapter finds you well! Happy Holidays and take care of yourself! AN at the bottom.**

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Eating his fill, and just a little more to be on the safe side. He picked his phone back up. It was a little after midnight now, honestly, he should be sleeping but he felt he needed to go into action now than wait until later or he'd lose all his resolve.

So he opened his contact list and scrolled down one by one.

Iida was strict about going to bed on time and would often turn his phone off early to keep from being distracted. Uraraka stayed up occasionally, up all night even, but that was usually during cram times or huge assignments or things they needed to work on.

And while the two were his closest friends, he wasn't sure if they'd be right to go to them for this...

Uraraka was a sympathetic and empathetic ear who was always down to listen and reassure, but she'd admit herself that she wasn't necessarily the best with delicate matters or conversations. Or rather, while she'd understand the issue she wouldn't know how to resolve said answer based on her own experiences.

Iida was pretty much in the same boat, though more pragmatic and willing to take action to help. He was also sure to suggest a counselor or a teacher to intervene and supervise the issue at hand, which currently, Midoriya was not feeling up to doing, so that left two others...

Kirishima and Todoroki...

Both were likely to still be up past midnight, though for completely vastly different reasons.

Weighing both options in his head he thought it over.

While he enjoyed his quiet moments with Todoroki, and their ability to converse any topic, he was hesitant to reach out to him about this issue.

Todoroki was kind and nothing but supportive towards him, but he carried a more silent reassurance and support than a verbal one.

Which was fine with Midoriya!

Just, compared to Kirishima who could somehow comfort and make you laugh, Kirishima seemed like the better go-to in that moment.

There was also the benefit that he got along with Bakugou...and might give insight on how to handle things with him, he didn't worry much about bias. Though Kirishima called Bakugou friend, if Bakugou went too far, he'd also call him out on it.

Coming to a decision, he figured he'd speak to everyone else one by one in the morning.

First speaking to Todoroki before classes, because while Todoroki wasn't one for long-winded words like himself, he always brought a great calm to Midoriya that he greatly appreciated. Plus their talk would possibly give him the energy to get through the rest of the day.

Pulling up his messenger, typing a message then re-typing then erasing that and trying again, before deciding to settle with a simple and lame "Hey, are you still up?"

He almost reconsidered sending it, and just throwing his phone down and attempting sleep, but he thought, " **NO!** ", He was going to change, he wanted to change, before hesitation could make him suffer, he hit send and put his phone down.

Burying his face in his hands, only one thought surfaced,

 _"...ahh, I did it..."_

 **~.~**

It doesn't take long for his phone to ding with a reply back, fumbling he grabbed it up again.

 _ **"...yeah, what's up?"**_

 _ **"...everything okay?..."**_

He took another shuddering breath, heart hammering once more.

"...yeah, uh mostly. I'm sorry to reply so late, but if it wouldn't be asking too much, could we talk? In person?..."

Taking a deep breath, he hit send.

Once again, it didn't take long for the reply to ding.

 ** _"Sure bro! Come on over!"_**

His heart began thundering in his ears, but he could do this!

He **could** do this, he **would** do this.

Standing, he pocketed his phone and softly padded over to his door. Being as careful as he could, slow as a snail, he left his room and padded over to Kirishima's dorm room.

As he stood in front of the door, he worried what to do, not wanting to knock in fear of waking the inhabitants in the neighboring rooms, but Kirishima came to his rescue, opening the door flashing a small smile and tugging him into the room.

Midoriya clamped a hand over his mouth to cover the squeak of surprise.

Kirishima guided him to his bed where he all but forced him to take a seat, Kirishima taking a spot on the floor and pulling his knees up, giving a smile gesture he waited for Midoriya to feel comfortable enough to speak, knowing he'd do so when ready and not wanting to push.

Midoriya was trying to remember his deep breathing methods again, as his brain sought to put together the words that had jumbled in his head, he thought he could start small first, and ask about what happened after he left class.

Kirishima brightened at that, "Ah! You should have seen it! Denki and Jiro absolutely lost it, they busted a gut having a laughing fit at Bakugo. But don't worry! Aizawa just seemed a little put out and not like totally pissed..."

Midoriya let loose some of the tension in his shoulders, he did seem like something Jiro and Denki would do...and it'd make facing Aizawa a little easier if he wasn't ready to kill him...

Kirishima continued, "At the least you might have to do remedial work, but man, I never know what's up Aizawa's sleeve...also, Bakugo seemed..." he hesitated and Midoriya closed his eyes already knowing how Bakugo probably reacted, but he couldn't bring himself to care over that particular matter...

"Well, I'm not sure what he's going to do either...I don't think he'll want to do remedial work, so he might confront you on it...will you be okay dude...?"

Midoriya sighed, looking at his hands, and began to speak. "...I, I've realized I don't really _care_ what Kaachan might do... I mean, of course, I care, but I don't really **_care_ **if that makes any sense?"

Looking at Kirishima who had a thoughtful look on his face, he nodded.

"I get what you're trying to say, my dude. I don't know the full backstory between you two...but I do know how Bakugo can be...he's intense, and I don't want to presume, but you seem the type who is constantly adjusting yourself as not to be a bother to him, to be out of the way...it'd make sense you'd get tired of it..."

Midoriya gave a half smile, "I think you worded that exactly how I'm feeling, it's complicated... I mean it's not? But I feel conflicted and mostly tired and I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing..."

Kirishima made a small noise of agreement, "What are any of us doing?"

Midoriya cracked a wider smile at that.

"But, bro...I have to ask, what..." Kirishima spoke carefully picking his words, "What happened between the two of you? He acts like you wronged him, and while yeah, I haven't known you longer, I know you well enough, that you couldn't wrong anyone purposely, which makes it all the more confusing...I tried asking Bakugo about it, but he blasted him and told me 'It was none of my business...'"

Scooting closer, so he could look Midoriya in the eye, he added with a sincere deep tone, "Look, I know it's not any of my business, but you're both my friends, and I want to help you guys out if I can!"

Looking at his friends face, a cry bubbled up and curled up, a sob spilling from his lips as he tried to speak.

Kirishima taking some maneuvering enveloped him in a hug, so he could lean on his shoulder.

He murmured comforts, "It's okay to cry about these things, I'm here and everybody here cares for you, don't ever forget that."

As Midoriya le himself be comforted, he was finally ready to spill his history with Bakugo...

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A note about depression and anxiety, since I talk/will talk a lot among those themes in this fic.

On Dec. 18. 2017, Jonghyun from Shinee passed away from suicide, he was an idol I greatly admired for his music. It really hit me, like I couldn't stop crying, it wasn't until I saw the funeral procession that I could accept he was really gone, it just didn't feel real. And that among life issues made things difficult.

My own battle with anxiety and depression and so on has not been easy or pretty. But not to go down that rabbit hole, as you are not reading to learn about me, but to read about Midoriya and his own journey through anxiety and depression.

What I write and my own experiences are not wholly the same nor are they identical, I write inspiration from my experience and how I figure the character themselves might tackle it.

I have so many complicated feelings on this issue, what happened, but the point I'm trying to make, is that by writing a happy end, by writing that they're dealing with it and coping and coming to understand themselves. Maybe I'll understand myself? Maybe others can relate and hope for their happy end too?

I don't know, but please take care of yourself! I'm not really a good role model for this, but please take care of yourself, talk about your troubles, let it out. I know it's difficult, it's a struggle every day, but despite it all, we're still here, right? That's gotta count for something, right?

Anyway, thank you for reading my small little fic! I try to keep author's notes short, but I tend to ramble, thanks again and have a nice night! The next chapter may take me a bit longer, but I might work on other projects in the meantime to fill the gap!


	6. Thoughts

**This chapter was a bit harder to capture just right, I hope the holidays found you well.**  
 **Thank you so much for reading, we get a little inside on Kirishima, hopefully I captured our sweet shark teeth boys thoughts to some degree. ^^**  
 **Enjoy!**

* * *

As Midoriya's tears slowly subsided, he opened up, talking about everything, not explaining the minute details and reasonings but giving background. Like, how he and Bakugou grew up in the same neighborhood, how he had grown up thinking he was quirkless, stumbling into how he suddenly discovered a quirk and was still making it his own...

Midoriya talked and talked and talked, bringing up how being labeled quirkless as a child ostracized him from others and especially with the classmates he shared with Bakugou.

He brought up his high ambition to go to Yuuei and how Bakugo had seen that as a direct challenge to him, how the other guys in his class had followed in Bakugou's behavior, setting a standard and an example, becoming a target to all kinds of harassment and bullying from fellow students.

But he kept thinking what could he do? The teachers didn't intervene, they didn't care, besides who would miss him? In fact, his classmates and in addition, Bakugou encouraged the thought that he wouldn't be missed if gone.

He was "Quirkless, Loser Izuku Deku Midoriya" and no one would care if he died. Or that's what he had thought going through most of school, despite the dark thoughts, he always carried a small hope that if he could prove himself, that if he were to be acknowledged, it'd all have been worth it, and even if no one cared, he shouldn't stop trying to make a difference, right?

Midoriya talked, he talked about how he felt through stutters and soft rambling and Kirishima listened without interruption or pause.

Kirishima simply clenched his fists, upset to know how little Midoriya thought of himself, and promising to himself that he and the others would make sure Deku would never feel as worthless as he had before, again.

They couldn't magically take away the scars that bruised his heart, body, and soul, but they **could** be there for him. They could help him stand again when he got knocked down, they could help him realize that he was worth loving and meant so much to so many people and that his efforts were not in vain. That he had the power to be one of the best heroes that ever was.

They all would achieve it, he just knew it, Kirishima knew if they could get through the aftereffects of villain attacks, not once but twice, they could get through childhood trauma and make each living day more bearable, because they made it this far, the possibilities were endless.

Eventually, Midoriya talked himself to sleep against Kirishima's shoulder, which the latter didn't mind an inch, that's what friends were for, right?

But his lack of movement was all due to a storm of thoughts inside his brain, a million things answered and making him all the more conflicted about everything.

Kirishima's guttural reaction as he listened was anger on the behalf of his friend, he didn't get how people could be so cruel, but often times just being a bystander could be worse. He understood middle school was just kinda like that, awful for just about everybody, everyone going through all kinds of situations, all kinds of walks of life, but still it didn't stop the upset from growing, knowing that it was Midoriya who had gone through it, sweet Midoriya the guy who would literally **destroy** and **mangle** his body to no end for others, and could someone treat someone like that so horribly?

He knew the answer why, it was a rhetorical question and yet he couldn't help but feel the frustration, wondering, ' _why, why, why, why._..'

Aside from the anger and general frustration was a conflict that twisted his stomach into knots and was forming a headache in his mind as he processed everything.

The situation was clear, or as clear as it could be.

The strings that tied Midoriya and Bakugou together, small lines with littered knots that lead directly to a hulking gnarled mess that made up their current "relationship".

He could see now that Midoriya and even Bakugou were held back by these mass amounted chains of unresolved issues, and that, Midoriya as small as it was, had taken the step to undo the first knot in the row, it was only a matter of time before the whole thing came unraveled, but the process would be faster if Bakugou would acknowledge the "knot", the tie that was holding him back...

Bakugou was Bakugou, he wouldn't do anything he didn't want to, he wouldn't face anything any other way than his, and he was just, no other word to describe, just him.

Everyone in class, Kirishima included, knew Bakugou was just kinda their angry blasty guy, they all kinda had this thought, that he didn't act a certain way for this or that, he was just was, he was just **Bakugou**.

Kirishima had some of the same sentiments in the beginning, in fact, he was sure some of the others still held those same thoughts...

Kirishima, who interacted with him on a near constant basis saw differently. They worked together through practice missions, studies, and training, the two had grown close, or at least Kirishima thought and hoped they had...

To be fair, he was pretty sure he was the closest to him out of all their classmates...

Bakugou was brash.

Used crude language, could be downright mean and was at times a walking contradiction. How could someone who cursed as much as he did be what was essentially a model student, turning in work on time and never skipping a day?

He wasn't one for words, didn't like saying much or hearing much either, all about actions, reaction and movement. Everything he did, he did with confidence and a self-assurance that made Kirishima feel jealous at times.

He was courageous, determined, so very determined to be the best hero, and with every action and step he took, he announced his dedication and drive towards that goal.

But by those same pros, they in a way also held me down, limiting his potential.

Bakugou, was all those things and more, so brilliant, a mighty mean bastard when he wanted to be too...

Kirishima could see the faults and promises of both friends. Their potential, their ambition and their fallbacks, the two were like oil and water, in every sense, opposing forces. From how they carried themselves, their morals and how they approached things.

But in the oddest way, they were also so very alike, it was funny...

And so very very frustrating, but that what was what made up high school wasn't it? Teenaged angst brought on by childhood trauma with the added boost of hormones and the general stress from not only class work, but trying to become the best new batch of heroes...still, the situation between the two couldn't simply be chalked up to playground fights, no, it was something that ran deeper...

Even if Kirishima could put together and understand or at least try to understand the actions Bakugou had taken in the past, whatever had motivated him in such a way, did in no way **excuse** or **absolve** the things he did that were so fucked up.

Kirishima frowned to himself, Midoriya despite being open and honest, didn't full devolve every little thing, and he wasn't sure he wanted to know either...

Despite his affection for Bakugou as his friend, he kind of wished Midoriya would pay him back for all the pain he had suffered.

To know even a fraction of the pain from the path walked by another, would open his eyes to the understanding of why his actions were wrong.

But, Bakugou was stuck in his own worldview, thinking only of his own goals, what was owed him and having Midoriya deferring to him, compromising and always being the one to accommodate himself, would actually hinder their growing process.

Because that's how it always was between the two, wasn't it? Bakugou angry and Midoriya thinking himself lower than the former.

If things were to change for the better, the two would need to face each other head-on as equals, Midoriya needed to think of himself as someone who would and could face Bakugou as an equal.

As Kirishima stared out the dorm window, sky changing, limbs having long since fallen asleep, he thought Midoriya was already halfway there to changing...

All he needed now was a little push...

* * *

 **I tried to tie this chapter with a bit more hope, next chapter sass master midoriya might pop out once more as well as a few expletives, I think it fits in the realm of T, but uh, warning, I guess ^^;**

 **Also! Thank you once more for the positive response and comments regarding relatably and understanding! I'm so grateful for every comment, and gosh, you guys are great! I'm sorry I've slowed a bit in terms of speed of updates, I try to make sure each one is worth it, which takes time, especially when I rewrite the same sentence like 5 times lol**

 **Anyway! I hope the holidays were bearable for you if not great! Thanks for reading and see you next update!**


	7. A Reason

When I'm at my lowest, ink comes to paper like a force and words spill forth.  
Sassy deku is in a bit, this goes a little sentimental, sorry. I noticed reviews stemmed off a bit, which is understandable with longer, (angst?) fics like this, I just hope I'm not boring y'all with reiterated sentiments.

The reviews I have gotten are filled with such meaning, that continues to push me forward. Also, it's pretty understandable to come up blank when writing reviews, one can feel things and not know how to articulate, something I struggle with often haha. But even the littlest review it's nice to see! ^^

If this fic gets you down, I've also begun writing a lighthearted humor fic called, "That's My Boy!", mild shipping and loads of crack.  
Now that I've got my daily deku word barf out of the way, enjoy!

* * *

Midoriya didn't dream when he slept.

Not really, no it was often more a collage of memories, nightmares, a mixture of both or just plain darkness.

Asleep with no dreams, just a blank amount of time before waking up.

Honestly, he preferred the darkness...just waking up, having no recollection of anything.

As a child, he could remember bits and pieces of dreams, usually with his mom, some fantastical adventure. Something bizarre like a giant puppy or all the buildings were pancakes.

But those dreams lessened, as a teen, the things he would remember, usually were memories he wished to forget.

Sleep was a struggle in itself, not for lack of trying. He had tried almost every effort advice and superstition in order to ease himself into a better sleep. Some he learned to keep as habits, they didn't really work, but going through the motions helped ease his mind, comforted him even if he couldn't fall asleep readily.

Like tea, he'd often made himself a cup of tea before bed, he learned that some brands the flavors, scents brought back memories.

So he stuck to simple green tea, or chamomile on an off day.

Midoriya's mother only ever bought decaffeinated, but it wasn't like it mattered too much.

Usually, the sure fire way to sleep was reviewing footage, going over notes until his eyes stung and could barely keep his head up. Only then could he fall into deep peaceful black sleep.

It wasn't a healthy method of course, and there were times it didn't quite work and he'd stay up for more than 24hrs... It wasn't healthy but that was how he had coped before...things were a bit different now...

Working out, pushing his body instead of his mind did wonders to tire him out and lead to less burnout.

Midoriya had talked to a therapist before, for a number of reasons. It had helped some, made things more bearable.

He still went, not as much since entering Yuuei, even going to a therapist, he couldn't confess everything, it wasn't just the pressure and secret he hid for All Might, and considering his record, didn't keep too well...

For someone who pretty much wore his heart on his sleeve and could talk up a storm, he was incredibly good about being tight-lipped when it came to himself, his trauma and his issues.

It was one thing to talk about heroes, school, anything, everything else, but himself. He had learned through experiences it hardly mattered what he thought, what he felt so he kept it locked in tight close to his heart.

There were days he could loosen the gates and shackles, share something, open up and lessen the pressure. There were things he shared without meaning to, but watching and being around his classmates, as much as he shared, he was never judged or put under a spectacle.

They shared with him as well. Some having similar experiences, and others not having experience but understanding.

Midoriya wasn't use to being vulnerable with others. Not in an emotional sense, he was more use to the brutal, physical show of power that made him vulnerable. It showed in his flinches, how he curled into himself when being put in the spotlight, or how he got just the touch more nervous when things got loud or amongst a large crowd.

It took a long time to accept parts of himself he couldn't change, no matter how much he tried.

He learned that it was okay to share his feelings, his thoughts, at times it felt too much, that he was being too open, that he would be burned. But so far, he hadn't regretted letting them in.

He knew bottling feelings up was never good for anybody involved...because at some point the bottle would bust.

He knew this, understood this, and yet the relief of sharing, letting go was such a surprising balm to his scarred heart and mind. It was so simple and yet...

Midoriya doesn't dream, instead, he thinks of all the actions, conversations and piece that brought him to the point where he was today.

And then he remembers the words, "It's okay to lean on people, leaning on someone doesn't make you weak...it means you were strong enough to reach out"

Midoriya remembers that he doesn't need to bottle up his feelings, that he can talk, express how he's feeling, not hide or change himself to anyone's mold, let alone Bakugou's and it would be okay.

With all he had been through, there was a reason he was still alive, right?

Everything that had been pushed at him, every bump and scrape and every lesson he has learned had been for some reason, right? There had to be a **reason** , fate, God, whatever, couldn't be so cruel? Except it could...and yet he had still survived...

And no matter the hurdle, he kept trying. He had no greater need to, it didn't have to keep trying, and yet, every morning he got up and he kept trying. While not every day was productive, there was no one saying that every day **had** to be spent productively, no matter what society dictated.

Midoriya with all his flaws, all his strengths was just human. It didn't matter he had an amazing quirk like All for One, the struggle to make it his own power, the struggle of determining his own worth while symunatiously trying to live up to another. None of it mattered if he still had to fight a battle in his own mind, and yet. He was Still. **Alive.**

He had made it this far for a reason, the reason, perhaps was all part of a greater cosmic interstellar plan of fate, or maybe it was the simpler reason of being able to smell the flowers that bloomed in the cracks of uneven pavements.

Whatever the reason, he had made it, and with that thought, he decides to continue on. For as long as he was alive, he would fight to find a reason to stay alive.

Opening his eyes slowly, feeling the creak in his neck, joints stiff and aching terribly, he thinks his day may not go perfect, or well, but he would survive. As unlikely as odds were, he would survive and he would find a reason to survive...

* * *

I'll be honest, I'm still fighting for my own reason to survive and I haven't found a reason to keep around. I struggle with thoughts of my need, what if I was gone, and everything in-between.

I don't know if I'll ever find a reason if I'm being honest, but it with a hope that I can't explain that I find a reason and if you're struggling along the same boat, that you can find one as well.

 **Thank you for reading! Please review if you have time! See you next chapter~**


	8. Optimistic

**This update was a long time coming, and I'm sorry about that! Also, a big mighty thank you to the small influx of reviews that came after the last update. Life is still getting to me, but I'm alive and that's all that matters.**

 **On lighter news, I signed up for BNHA BROFEST, Brofest is a two-month challenge for platonic fics all about friendship! I signed up for the flash and rookie tiers, I would suggest checking it out if you want to get involved! It's mostly to be run through ao3 from what I understand, I'd head to their Tumblr for more information which is bnhabrofest . tumblr . com It doesn't actually start until March I believe but something I should try to plan for now haha**

 **Also, other news, I've been thinking for a while of making a tumblr strictly for fics/writing and such. A place for questions to be asked, request and just generally talk with you guys! Would any of you be interested in that? ;v; I think I've had such thoughts in the past but no real drive to do so haha ^^; anyway, I'll let you finally get to the chapter! Thanks for reading!**

* * *

A little after the breaking of dawn Eijirou fell into a light doze, not feeling stressed about school since he knew they'd have the day off.

And honestly, at the end of it, even if they did have class that day, he wouldn't have minded the lack of sleep if it meant helping out a friend, even if it was just listening.

Kirishima was roused from the light nap when Midoriya began to shift. Kirishima wasn't sure if he actually got any sleep or if he only closed his eyes for a moment.

He waits a moment to see if Midoriya is truly going to wake up or is just changing positions.

Eijirou can't help but think his friend adorable as he slowly blinks his eyes, shaking off the grogginess before a blush blooms across his face once he realized that Kirishima was indeed already awake and watching him.

Eijirou laughed good-naturedly when Midoriya then proceeded to bury his face in his hands.

"Morning bro!"

Midoriya mumbles out an incoherent version of "Morning" back.

Midoriya still rather embarrassed but no longer blushing a brilliant red, tries shaking off the embarrassment. Being vulnerable is always an awkward affair, but he's glad to find Kirishima treating him no different after opening up to him.

"Sorry" he mumbles out, gesturing with his hands, "You probably didn't get much sleep because of me..."

Kirishima is quick to dispel the guilt that tries to arise in Izuku, shrugging his shoulder with a smile, "Midoriya you should know by now, I'm made of tougher stuff! 'Sides, I'm a night owl and I can always catch a nap sometime today..."

Midoriya laughs a little at that, feeling both remarkably better and yet so very physically tired.

He's ready to go back to bed honestly, brain now beginning to wonder how he'll face his other friends.

Kirishima's busy stretching, attempting to get the kinks out his back only feeling a bit drowsy but still bright, asks him if he wants to join him for breakfast.

Despite his instinctual response to turn down the invitation, Midoriya agrees. He knows he can't sleep the day away, he could but he knows he can't, or rather knows he shouldn't. Hiding out in his room, no matter how tempting wouldn't be beneficial in the long run, besides he had made this far.

The day was just beginning, who knew what waited.

 **~.~**

Still being rather early in the day, many of the teenage heroes in training were spending the morning sleeping in.

Amongst their class, there was, of course, a few early birds. Midoriya was usually one of them. When not plagued by an all-consuming anxiety, he still had insomnia and rose after what little sleep.

His sleep schedule had never been to regular and when he was preparing for Yuuei entrance exam, the training and his own drive drew him to waking early and sleeping little.

Fortunately, since having been accepted, this cycle had lessened some, especially with Iidya to lecture him on the importance of getting the right amount of sleep.

Entering the communal area, it was no surprise to find Todoroki already up and at the table reading a book. The tv was on in the background, Ashido and Kaminari were haphazardly spread out on the floor and surrounding sofas.

A small bubble of anxiety grew at the sight of his friends, he took a steadying breath when Todoroki offered a small greeting, no questions, prodding or what have you.

Midoriya couldn't have been more thankful for the little act of mercy.

He headed towards the little kitchen to prepare a cup of tea while Kirishima went towards the couch to rouse the sleepyheads.

He gave his first real true laugh since the day before, hearing the ruckus coming from the living room as the ones sleeping made a fuss about their interrupted snooze time.

Tea done, he took a seat beside Todoroki who made no comment, waiting for Midoriya to make a move first.

Midoriya stared at the table, his finger absentmindedly running circles over the rim of his mug as the tea cooled. His mind trying to piece together what to say.

Finally, he murmured in an awkward attempt to start the conversation, a simple "...ah thank you for the snacks", unable to look his friend in the eye.

"Glad you ate something..." the reply was said softly. The line short, feeling like more was to be said it but words left hanging.

"You guys got all of my favorites.." he seemed to say without thought.

"Of course" reply, short but said with a warmth that eased the rest of the tension that had settled in Midoriya's chest away.

Midoriya smiled at the confidence of his statement, like **_of course_** , they would know his favorite things just as readily as knowing the sky is blue.

"I'm sorry I didn't call"

"That's okay"

"Thank you for being there for me..."

"Always..."

The warmth spread throughout his body. A mix of being touched, relief and everything in between, finally looking at his friend, Todoroki offered him a small smile, which was more of a simple quirk of the lips, and Midoriya smiled back, eyes crinkling.

In a small show of affection, Izuku bumped his shoulder against his friend, Shouto returning the movement causing him to laugh.

Things were okay, and Midoriya would be just alright.

 **~.~**

The rest of the morning was spent with quiet conversation between the two.

Kirishima had conked out early, using Kaminari who he had tried to wake up as a pillow. Ashido finally having headed back to her room to sleep.

As the day went on, more classmates came in and out.

His friends were a blessing, Uraraka, when she finally came in, showed an obvious exuberance in seeing him outside of his room, and instead of commenting on it, she talked about the movie that some of them had watched. A new show the others were thinking of watching and so one.

Surrounded by friends and classmates, he realized just how different things were now.

He had people who cared and worried about him, who had his well being in mind. Midoriya had always been on the side of giving, and to suddenly be on the receiving end with no catch was a wonder.

To find that the people he cared for, cared for him, made him feel emotional.

Midoriya tried talking to all the everyone who had contacted him, and just tried making conversation in general.

After all the interactions, he was beginning to tire quickly. Staying up so long, the relief briefly easing the drowsiness he started off with was now coming back with a vengeance.

He headed back to his room for a quick shower and a nap.

It was quite comical, standing under the warm stream of water he nearly fell asleep standing up. He had misjudged how comforting a good shower could make you feel.

He was only able to partially dry his hair before climbing into bed, most, if not all his worries assured.

Having gathered strength from friends, he slept knowing that the next time he woke he would be ready for anything, even facing Bakugou.

* * *

Sorry this is a bit short, I'm hoping to have an update soon in the coming weeks. Things in life have been a bit turbulent, but I think you guys might like the direction of upcoming chapter! I thank you for each and every review of every kind! Truly, thank you for reading!


	9. It's Okay to not be Okay

**Hey guys! I'm terribly sorry about the lull in updates! School and life really got to me. I finally finished my finals and I found a nice group of people I chat to on discord. I worry about annoying them;;; ahaha but they've been a great help, and I don't know if I would've passed my final without them ;v;**

 **Anyway! Sorry this is late, this fic will be coming to a close soon. ^^ This chapter is much shorter than all previous and I apologize for that! The next 2 (maybe 3) chapters will make up for it as I bring this story to a close!**

 **If you wanna shout/talk with me about hc's, prompts and so on I made a blog just for that! It's starlitbun and yeah! ;v; it's mostly me rambling and reblogging prompts rn haha!**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

Have you ever felt the ever pressing need to speak your mind? While anxiety seizes your heart and body? The need to speak on grounds of truth or morals, something that means something to you. Fighting to be heard, eyes fall on you, you're nervous, you can feel your cheeks heating and throat tightening. But you push, you push because it matters to you. You feel insecure, embarrassed and shaky from the experience, voice soft, the words will resonate louder and hit harder than any before.

You have fought yourself, and you may not have won the war but you came on out on top of this battle and will succeed until another day...

 **~.~**

Unlike the stress-filled night before or any nights prior, Midoriya's dreams weren't weighed down by anxiety or fears from the day that had leaked into dreams.

Mostly void nothingness that then bloomed into memories of the not so distant past. Lunch outdoors with friends, his push to clean the beach, moments spent with his mother when he was a child. Her voice soft and gentle, a tone she used just for him when she read stories of heroes who always saved the day.

Midoriya enjoyed his first well rested uninterrupted sleep in the dorms and got the sleep his body desperately needed.

And it was when he finally began to drift back to consciousness that his mind shifted to the situation at hand.

It was funny, how much his thoughts and actions seemed to revolve so solely on Bakugo.

He'd like to say he didn't hate him, he _**never** _hated him.

But that would be an outright lie.

Hate was such a strong word, it didn't quite fit, but it was the closest feeling he could use to describe their relationship, and it'd be a lie to say he didn't hold even the smallest margin of upset towards him.

Largely, he never really hated him. Envious? For sure, anxious, aiming to please, and so on. But did he hate him when he was teased as a child? When he got left behind, or even when he told him to take a swan dive off the roof?

No, not even then.

It was hard to say he hated him, not that he didn't have any reason not to, but he just wasn't able to carry the feeling in him. He was certainly hurt and bothered by their shared past.

It was obvious they had bad blood, but Midoriya was lying to himself when he would downplay his actions, the pain, the trauma, as something insignificant he just needed to get over.

Except it wasn't insignificant, it mattered so much. His feelings mattered, he shouldn't have had to constantly adjust himself to another. It was why he was in the current predicament, bottling it up that lead to an impulsive blowout.

He spent so long obsessed with getting his former friend, his tormentor, his classmate's approval that it was hard to break for that mindset and do what was best for him. Not what might please another.

Midoriya knew in physical powerless he couldn't stand against him as an equal, not yet at least. But admitting, letting go of the bonds he held onto knowingly and unwitting, he would be able to stand toe to toe against him on an emotional equal that he so desperately needed.

He didn't know Bakugo's struggles, he couldn't understand his reasoning or the logic behind his choices. Why he treated him this way or that.

And frankly, in the end, Midoriya didn't care to know, it didn't matter what his reasons were. It didn't suddenly absolve the abuse of the past, it explained it, sure but explanations don't take away the trauma.

Midoriya couldn't condemn him, they were both two kids who wanted to be heroes.

But how do you let go of the past that looms over your present, that was ingrained in your behavior? It wouldn't be easy, but he had hope that it was possible...

Deciding, like he had done in the classroom, he would say _"Not Today"_ , he deserved better, he would **_be_ **better.

He was ready to say no, ready to say Not Today, ready to create boundaries for himself and others, and ready to just try stepping out of his comfort zone and pushing to better not only himself but his relations with others.

He could do this, and he would.

It's so easy to get wrapped inside one's own head, sometimes it's one's own hell. Can't escape the thoughts of what if, maybe, should, and the need to break free. To do, to say I am, I will and so on and so forth.

Thoughts, so many thoughts rotating around in a cycle of things he understood, things he was trying to figure out and ones he couldn't even begin to decipher.

Was this life? A life filled with endless questions with no definitive answer? But wasn't that part of the beauty?

Yes, there are answers and truth, but there is no one answer for every person, and that was the beauty of things, that as a person, one got to choose the meaning, the beauty, and expression for how something works or how it made them feel.

Midoriya was soft-hearted, courageous and little, or LOT foolhardy and an anxious mess at times, but that wasn't all that made up his character either.

He wasn't perfect, and he didn't want to be, and he was learning that it was okay not to be okay, and once you accept that, things just might be okay...

* * *

I think...now, I only need about two more chapters to wrap this up ;v;

Thank you for reading, thank you for your patience and please review!


	10. Hiatus

If I could have a moment of your time to read this,I try my best not to spill my life into the author's note, least of all the story itself (to rather doubtful varying degrees of success), but that is what part of writing is for me,catharsis. I had finally gotten ready to update this, and then i had a terrible fight with a cousin and he just brought all past trauma back to the forefront of my mind. I broke down. Like, over the course of the spring semester of 2019 i had several breakdowns, minor as they were, but my cousin, he pushed buttons and was being difficult just to be difficult and I had just had surgery. I had to be on call with my friends as they calmed me down from panic. As you might imagine after this episode, what will I had to write was all gone. And then nearly a week later, it hit me why I was struggling so much now, why I couldn't finish this particular fic.

None of the abusers in my life have ever faced the consequences of their actions.

None, no one. Not my friends, not strangers and least of all not my family. Not the emotional, physical or sexual abuse I've got through and witnessed and realizing that fucked me up almost deeper than the trauma.

And I won't go into specifics, but when I say I relate to Midoriya, it's probably with a heavy grain of self projection. I wrote this in an effort to give his character closure for the treatment he receives in canon. For the closure I've never really gotten. Then I realized how do you write something you've never experienced? And that's where I lost all muse and hope to truly complete this story.

But I wanted this story to be hope. I want Midoriya and even myself to find a reason to live.

I'm not gonna lie, as you might deduce, I've got a few issues lol, just skimming the top, but despite everything and some will, I'm still here. And I hope whoever's reading this knows I'm hoping that they find the fact they're still here the proof of their strength.

It's easy for me to say I think it's incredible that people can still be alive no matter what they've faced, when in comparison it feels like my own issues aren't so grand and yet I can barely face day to day. But I remind myself, and I remind you all, that trauma cannot be compared and one bad situation doesn't outweigh the other, and whatever happened to you is not your fault.

Hopefully this didn't come off too much as preachy, and certainly probably not where you were expecting from a bnha fanfiction but I hope it meant something to you.

But despite my meager hopes, unlike fiction I can't face my trauma head on. I'm falling apart, everytime I think I'm close to pushing through, something in life reminds me of all my anxieties, of the people who have hurt me. And it just makes living difficult, it makes continuing this fic in particular, difficult. Because I have nightmares of fighting back my abusers and them trying to ruin my life, dreams and reality of helpless and a large part of me wants to so dearly spread hope. I'm sick and tired of the "life isn't fair" so it's fine to give you a hard time that is common in fiction, life isn't fair, which is exactly why we should all be working for it to be fair. I never want anyone to feel how I've felt. I don't want the young generation to suffer the indignity I've faced, and this is getting rather preachy and far from my point but just, I'm only human, and a faulty one at that.

I want to continue this story really I do. I want a resoultion both for myself and midoriya. But for now, it hurts to much to have him have the facedown i've envisoned and the story will go on hiatus.

I thought about discounting it, and putting it up for adoption, but this story is too close to my heart. I'm sorry. This probably isn't the news you were hoping for when you got the email alert, and again I'm terribly sorry.

My hope is that when I'm in a better place, I can come back, revise some things and update the fic with a solid and hopeful resolution.

For now, thank you for reading and I'm sorry.

Have an incredible day


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